long time no see

Haven't written in quite a while. It's been quite hectic and a lot of stuff has happened. None of which I'm going to talk about right now. Well, ok, there's ONE thing I want to share. A while back (not very far back at all, in fact) I was seriously considering therapy because I needed it and I probably still do. BUT: I think, for now, there's no better therapy than taking care of two dogs - one with abandonment issues and a puppy with "I wanna eat all the time and chew on everything, including your toes, your hair, my older brother's ears, etc." issues. I don't mind the waking up at 2:30 in the morning (well, probably because I'm not the only one taking care of dem babies, but that's beside the point, ahem), I don't mind following the little bugger all around the house to catch him in the act of peeing (and more) wherever and whenever the fancy strikes, I don't mind the diaper duty. In fact, I am thankful. The doggies give me the opportunity to think about something else than whatever new fear or complex I might develop and to feel kinda useful and all that good stuff that makes you feel good about yourself. So thank you, babies. You rock my world. And as it turns out, there's one more thing that I consider important enough to share, because it's both made me a better person (God, at least I hope so) and taken quite a load off my mind. Over the years, as it happens, that big group of friends you think you have gets smaller and smaller, and maybe through no fault of your own. Nothing new, we've all been there and as unpleasant as it might be, you just can't help it sometimes. So of course, that happened to me as well, a falling out here, a bad breakup there, you know, the works. And at some point in my recent life, I had a dream about the falling out and decided to make peace, hoping the other party feels the same and that we shall all live happily ever after. Long story short, it worked. And even though maybe it wasn't the most important thing in the world and it didn't hold me back and made my life all that miserable, it did bug me when thought about it. And when I fixed it, it felt good. Which goes to show that sometimes, even if it takes a dream to give you a little push, if you feel something is right, you should do it for yourself, if nothing else. And, as a friend told me, the secret is to have low expectations. I wouldn't normally agree with that, but when it comes to people, experience (not extremely vast, but the only one I got) has showed me that when it comes to people, it's best to just take it with a grain of salt. Healthy approach. Hard to follow, too, but hey, a little challenge never hurt anyone :) Anyway, before I forget what I was talking about, in a few days, I managed to restore two relationships - not to the factory settings, but at least I had some closure, for lack of a better word. And got my groove back, to boot, but that's another story for another time - maybe tomorrow, maybe never, we'll see :)

Tootles :)

bounce

now I've thought about it some more, listened to some music (a lot), watched some videos, the works, and I realized that one thing I would've loved to do and I'm sorry I didn't pursue, was dancing. I don't mean going to the disco on a Saturday night dancing. not ballroom, either. the 'step up' 1, 2, and gazillion kind of dancing. the rebel school outlet dancing. I kinda think it's a bit late to take it up at 37 going on 38. what I'm even more pissed off at myself for is that I haven't even done the Saturday night disco dancing in a VERY long time. I used to, and some very cruel person laughed at me and made me feel very self conscious. I shouldn't have let her screw with my head that way (and many other ways) but I did. and then I gained some weight and I thought I'd just look ridiculous there on the dance floor and everyone would look at me with pity because I'm awkward. and every time there was a dancing situation I'd be so stiff and try to control every move I made that I'd end up being exhausted and completely unsatisfied. I have to change that. along with every other change that I have to put myself through, this is definitely on the list, way up there. build my self confidence. just lose the weight first :)
I know that really hasn't got anything to do with dancing, but it does with my confidence.

the way to my happy place

oh, and before i forget: i love you the bestest and the mostest! :)

project

vintage, retro, chic, quirky, colorful, peaceful, friendly, cozy, filled with music and scents.
old photos on the walls, an aquarium with pretty fish, lots of books.
a place where I would love to spend every single day. a place that feels like your own living room.
lots and lots of amazing tea. and non-smoking, if we can help it. catchy name. smiling faces.

House. No, not the doctor.

I think everyone should get at least one chance in a lifetime to change something about their life. No matter how small. If we can do it better, we should be able to rewind, erase and start over.

If I got my chance, I have to say I'd do a complete makeover, or at least just go back in time and erase some people from my life and be good, be better, be the best to the ones that really matter. But since that's not really possible, I should probably pick one thing that I really can do something about. Something tangible.

I choose my house. My home. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it doesn't contain nearly as much color as I'd like it to. I'd fill it with beautiful things, quirky things, old things, flowers, scents, laughter and joy. And I'd want it to reflect exactly the way I feel, which would be incredibly happy and peaceful. I know it sounds like I kinda wanna be Snow White and the only thing missing is the animals and a Evil Queen. Well, perhaps only the animals, if I think about it. The world is pretty full of evil queens :) Actually, the animal part can really be arranged if I do get my wish.

There are so many beautiful things in the world that are just waiting to be discovered. I've probably said it before, but I'll say it again: I'm a late bloomer. On the other hand, though, it doesn't matter how old you are when it comes to making your life the way you feel it should be, to make you happy.

So this is my quest. The perfect house. Perfect for me and my loved one(s) :)

If I had a choice, this is what I would do for the rest of my life. I might have not thought this through, but here it is. I would never, ever EVER work in an office again. I don't like human interaction all that much. Well, not when they're assholes, anyway, which is what I've been dealing with for a very long time. I want to work in a place that's relaxed, I want to work in a place with no deadlines, a place that smells nice, is relaxed and makes you feel good. Something with books, something with perfumes, something with lots and lots of tea. Something with intelligent, conversation-worthy people, whom you talk to because you want to, not because you have to. I would like to learn something new. I haven't learned something new in a very long time, and that's nobody's fault but mine. The reason why I haven't done it is a little word we like to call complacency. I've been ok with what I was doing and I when it stopped being ok, instead of moving on or trying to learn something new, I got scared, angry, frustrated, which led to me being really, really tired. And then I did my best to just stay under the radar and not think of anything else, not do more than I had to. Survival mode. That, of course, didn't work. I'm a drama queen, as well as prone to going from relatively nice and pleasant to angry bitch in less than a minute, sometimes less if I don't like your face.
Anyway, I digress. The point is, I got rid of that. Now I'm up in the air and have to will myself to learn something new, something, preferably, that I like. But first, I have to think long and hard about what it is that I do like. And what I see myself doing. So: perfumes, tea, lots of books, aromatherapy, plants, even listening to people and maybe giving advice, but that's a bit unsafe since I'm a bit off at the moment and I should probably take care of my own problems first.

What I need right now is to feel safe, pressure-free and fear-free. And that's a lot. But I might be able to pull it off. After all, I've left a lot of my bad life behind. All I can look forward to, really, is happiness and dreams come true. And as much as I want it to be a gift sent to me from heaven or waiting on my pillow when I wake up, it's not gonna happen. I have no choice. I have to start living and taking chances. So this is me, giving myself that extra (but positive) kick in the butt.

There, I said it.

Faith No More - I Started a Joke

leaving

funny thing when you leave. anywhere. not funny ha ha, just funny.

first of all, it's a huge step, this leaving from one place to another. might not sound like much, but sometimes it does take everything you've got to just get up and leave. anyway, more to the point, what I'm talking about is taking your whole life, with all of its stuff, and all of yours, putting them together and hoping they'll match, and just moving forward to a whole new place. that's it, as far as you're concerned.

then comes the funny part. case in point: when I left, I had this avalanche of love and good wishes and all the great thoughts one could ever wish for thrown my way by people I used to spend a lot of my time with. too much, even – in some cases. it's all tears and swearing we'll keep in touch and pledging that if you ever come to my city, please be sure to give me a call and we'll meet and we'll reminisce and it will all be great and fun, like you never left in the first place.

and then I got there. I got to my new place, my whole new place, with whole new people, a whole new language I don't really understand – but that's ok, I'm taking a break from the overwhelming cloud of shit people talked all around me – which, unfortunately I did understand.

and I wanted to share the good things in my life, right? because they all said they were gonna expect my letters, my emails, my calls and they were all so happy for me. and I shared.

what did I get back? with a very few notable exceptions: nothing. not a thing. not a hi, glad everything's fine, can't talk, busy, but be sure to keep in touch, tootles. not even that.

and I thought, ok, no problem, I'm not busy, but they are, I know they are, life is pretty hectic down there, after all, that is, in part, why I left. maybe they'll write later, whenever they can.

most of them never did. never said anything. never called, never wrote.

which begs the question: did they ever care? I'm inclined to say that they did, but can I ever be sure?

I'm not sad, not really, just a bit disappointed. this leaving thing sure helps you prioritize and comb through your circle of friends and find other names for some of them.

hmm. indeed.

Muse - New Born