By all means necessary you will get your way

I didn’t really think it would be so damn difficult.  My bad. In my infinite optimism (not a regular state for me, mind you), which turned out to be a rather unfortunate lack of awareness, more than anything else [or maybe just a streak of bad luck], I thought I’d just waltz in there and get what I wanted, easy as pie, no sweat, and emerge triumphantly on the other side because I deserve this, damn it, after all the shit I’ve been through and all that sappy old jazz.  All the good signs are there, everything seems to be all right, it’s all within my reach and I can almost taste it. Well, maybe not taste, that’s just a bit odd, considering…

Well, life’s hardly ever this uncomplicated. We resort to all kinds of placebos to go on living and thinking as if the road only goes straight ahead, no left, no right, no red lights. We hang on for dear life to all manner of “signs”, because that’s what they are, right? They’re all signs for us to see and get and interpret, because the universe has got nothing better to do than play footsie with each and every one of us at the same time.

Until…well, until we wake up one morning and we realize we’re not all that special anyway. Or maybe we are, but that doesn’t mean that the good kids always get the best toy at just the right time, in just the right setting. Or that the sun will start shining whenever we say so.  It just doesn’t work that way.

So I find myself going through the same shit that I’ve heard told by other people, for whom I felt sorry, and I try to stay strong and optimistic (again, that unfamiliar state) and listen to advice – don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the advice, by it doesn’t really work, does it? – telling me that everything will be all right, that what I so desperately want will happen when God wants it to happen. God. That’s an interesting concept. I find myself in quite a delicate position whenever God comes out to play. I’m a bit of a hypocrite that way.  I have to admit, I pray to God sometimes. I’m a random believer, I believe whenever it’s convenient.  I usually pray when I’m out of solutions. Let’s face it, many of us do this in times of great distress. It’s probably not the best feeling for God, right? To be remembered only in times of stress, pain and desperation and be called out as a last resort…? Not nice, people. Not nice at all. But at least I admit it. I did think that God, as the omnipresent, omniscient witness to everything bad that’s ever happened to me, would think to himself hey, enough is enough, the girl deserves a break, she deserves to get what she wants. Oh, and yes, let’s give it to her on Christmas, in a nicely wrapped little package, because that’s so poetic and that’s how I roll.  I did think and hope that.

Well, bummer. You didn’t get it.  But do try again.

By all means necessary, you WILL get your way.

Oh, I know I didn’t say what it was that I wanted.

I’ll tell you, when I get it.