Emotional blackmail

I have been brought up in a family riddled with guilt and thriving on emotional blackmail. I have just realized now, at 36 years of age, that I am basically a cripple. I feel handicapped, my self-esteem is low to non-existent, and even though sometimes I manage to feel quite good about myself (probably mostly by comparison to others), I, in fact, loathe myself most of the time.

I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the way I think, I don’t always like the way I act and sometimes I have some sort of mental out of body experiences that allow me to look at myself from the outside and say oh my God, I’m a fake, I’m horrible, I reek of mediocrity and how the fuck does no one see through my bullshit? It’s true, I am a Virgo, and Virgos are known to be their own worst enemies most of the time, but still…If I could step outside myself at least one day a week, I think it’d probably feel like a long vacation to a very peaceful faraway spot. Or maybe not, but at least I’d get a shot at something else. A glimpse. A smell.

Authority terrifies me, speaking in public numbs me and turns me into a blabbering idiot, the thought of driving sends me to the toilet at least twice before any planned attempt (so to speak). Even having to talk to certain people makes me forget everything I was supposed to say in the first place.

So, what do I do? Therapy? Never tried it but I feel like I definitely should.

And I used to be such a happy child…Something along the way got really screwed up, and I can’t remember the exact moment when things took a turn for the worst. Maybe not the worst, but not very good either, that’s for damn sure.

Yes. I should go see a therapist.